Here we go ...

Well, here I am... Heavier than I've been in over 20 years. I hate what I see in the mirror, so I just don't look.

I'm miserable. I know what I need to do to change it, so why can't I do it? Why can't I just have one piece of chocolate instead of the whole damn thing? Or one piece of cake? One cookie? One ice cream?
I know I need to increase my exercise and decrease my caloric intake. Great. Can anyone tell me how? Because it's not as easy as it seems.

Food is my addiction. It's always been there for me whether I'm happy, sad, lonely or anxious.
Anxious. How I have felt my entire life, worried I was going to somehow fuck everything up. Fear that I would be judged poorly. Food never judged me; in fact it kind of numbs me for a while against whatever I'm feeling.

And yet food is also my enemy. The shame of looking at yourself in the mirror. Knowing your body will never be the same again. Knowing you did this to yourself not once, but twice so far. The embarrassment of seeing people who watched you lose a whole person in weight previously, only to have now gained it allll back now.
Except the way I did it last time was really unhealthy. I wouldn't say I had/have an eating disorder, but I definitely had/have disordered eating.

I just want to be healthy and happy again. Able to go for a motorbike ride. Not feeling oversized and self conscious on small boats.
Just more comfortable in my own skin.