Don't try this at home

I spent waaaayyy too long looking at my naked body in the mirror last night, NOT a good idea.

How the Hell did I end up here a second time?? Well, I know technically how it happened; I ate too much crap and didn't exercise enough. But what I want to know is why? I worked SO hard to lose the weight the first time.

I have friends who keep telling me "Oh, we should definitely catch up the next time you're in town." and I say "Yes! Of course!" But I know that I won't because of the utter shame and embarrassment. I have panic attacks at the thought of seeing my own family, especially if I haven't seen them in a while. Meeting anyone new sends me into a spin, the feeling that they will be judging me as lazy and greedy.

I put on a great act of being happy and content when on the inside I'm falling apart. I don't let people get close enough to know what's really going on, the fact that I feel like a failure and a fake constantly worried I'll be found out.

I have started this blog so I can get the thoughts out of my head and written down. I have no idea what, if anything, will come of it. I'm just hoping to unload and sort through some of the conversations going around in my head.