WTF???

How the actual fuck did I manage to gain weight???
Things were going pretty well (I thought); I've been working out 1 1/2 hours a day, being careful about what I eat and yet somehow I've managed to gain weight.

I keep trying to rationalize it by telling myself "I'm converting fat to muscle and muscle weighs more ..." but I still feel like a failure.
I physically can't do any more  because of medical problems I have. I really don't know what to do.

It's at a point where it's affecting my depression and anxiety, which just makes me want to go on a massive food binge; but then I'd feel like crap about that too. I'm miserable and on the edge of giving up completely.  I hate going out in public (I only do it when I'm working out) the thought of being judged almost cripples me.

I have an extremely supportive hubby who loves me no matter what size I am. He's always so encouraging and loving, but I almost feel like I don't deserve it. I mean, I wouldn't want to be with me so why does he?

I'm sick of being the only fat one in my extended family, I just want to feel like I fit in. To be able to find clothes that fit easily and not have to worry so much about people seeing parts of me. It takes up so much of my time worrying about how I look or how I come across to others.

I obviously need to have a serious re-think about what I'm trying to achieve and how I can possibly get there.