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WTF???

How the actual fuck did I manage to gain weight??? Things were going pretty well (I thought); I've been working out 1 1/2 hours a day, being careful about what I eat and yet somehow I've managed to gain weight. I keep trying to rationalize it by telling myself "I'm converting fat to muscle and muscle weighs more ..." but I still feel like a failure. I physically can't do any more  because of medical problems I have. I really don't know what to do. It's at a point where it's affecting my depression and anxiety, which just makes me want to go on a massive food binge; but then I'd feel like crap about that too. I'm miserable and on the edge of giving up completely.  I hate going out in public (I only do it when I'm working out) the thought of being judged almost cripples me. I have an extremely supportive hubby who loves me no matter what size I am. He's always so encouraging and loving, but I almost feel like I don't dese...
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Don't try this at home

I spent waaaayyy too long looking at my naked body in the mirror last night, NOT a good idea. How the Hell did I end up here a second time ?? Well, I know technically how it happened; I ate too much crap and didn't exercise enough. But what I want to know is why? I worked SO hard to lose the weight the first time. I have friends who keep telling me "Oh, we should definitely catch up the next time you're in town." and I say "Yes! Of course!" But I know that I won't because of the utter shame and embarrassment. I have panic attacks at the thought of seeing my own family, especially if I haven't seen them in a while. Meeting anyone new sends me into a spin, the feeling that they will be judging me as lazy and greedy. I put on a great act of being happy and content when on the inside I'm falling apart. I don't let people get close enough to know what's really going on, the fact that I feel like a failure and a fake constantly worried I...
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Here we go ...

Well, here I am... Heavier than I've been in over 20 years. I hate what I see in the mirror, so I just don't look. I'm miserable. I know what I need to do to change it, so why can't I do it? Why can't I just have one piece of chocolate instead of the whole damn thing? Or one piece of cake? One cookie? One ice cream? I know I need to increase my exercise and decrease my caloric intake. Great. Can anyone tell me how? Because it's not as easy as it seems. Food is my addiction. It's always been there for me whether I'm happy, sad, lonely or anxious. Anxious . How I have felt my entire life, worried I was going to somehow fuck everything up. Fear that I would be judged poorly. Food never judged me; in fact it kind of numbs me for a while against whatever I'm feeling. And yet food is also my enemy. The shame of looking at yourself in the mirror. Knowing your body will never be the same again. Knowing you did this to yourself not once, but twice so ...
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